Who decides where happiness comes from? Who decides who gets it? Who decided i should deserve so much heart ache in one week? Because according to the universe i am once again a bad person, i don't deserve to smile or be happy. I am a bad person. And once again i'll have to live with the constant voices in my head that make me cry at night. Those voices that with little to no effort manage to break me down, and manage to think so low of myself. And once more, there is no one to pick me up. There is no one to tell me it will be alright. There isn't anyone who will be by my side that will reassure me that everything will be alright. We are all bound to be greatly unhappy throughout our lives, but i have been like this my whole life. Am i cursed? or am i truly a bad person? Did i lose someone i loved because of my bad decisions or was i right to walk away.
Today i took a nap, hoping it would bring me to peace. But instead it just resurfaced all those things that i feared most. It resurfaced my biggest regret. And i woke up looking for him, looking for my phone for any sign of him. For any trace, in my crazed state i almost forgot, he did not exist. I spent the day talking about him to my friend, he told me i was strong for my actions. But i'm just proud no one can see how broken i am inside. That for every smile i have shed countless tears, that for all my laughs have been been a strong facade. A facade that i have comfortably lived in for the past eight and a half months. That since then i haven't seen the sun, i haven't remembered everything. My spot on memory has failed, and its filled with what ifs from that horrible thing called my imagination. Sometimes my dreams and memories are so lucid that i can't tell them apart. Its as if someone has purposely distorted my memory to inflict pain on me. To watch me suffer every night i cry myself to sleep.
It has been too long that i have been a shell, i am suffocating in myself. I need to breath, but i feel comfortable drowning. Its the only thing i have ever known, since i was brought up i was taught how to hide. How to pretend everything was alright, because at the end of the day, no one would be there for you. And now its the end of the day, and there is no one here to embrace my broken soul.
So please; Heroes apply here.