What is ln these four walls.

Being here makes me feel safe, but at the same time I am able to be who I really am. I am always having to pretend who I am and hide all these emotions, I hide in fear of their rejection. Aybe if I hide in here forever I'll feel better about myself and I won't be hating myself constantly for the things I have done. And it may seem like I am upset over nothing but the truth of it all is that this was just, as my mother says, the drop that made the glass flood. I'm not mad about what I did but I am dossapointed in how much I can hate myself to the point where I hate the person I see in the mirror. And for what? I wish I knew I have no real reason to feel this way about myself. I guess I am just in constant battle with myself. One side of me wants to be gentle and to be coddled. While the other side of me is just a horrible human big showing no remorse and telling lies like if they were smiles to give. And I am constantly horrified that one day I will lose myself and I will turn into that horrible person and I will push away the people who matter the most to me. And after dealing with this for years I have finally admitted to myself that I need help, because I know I won't be able to fight this battle on my own. Then there is also the question as to who will give me the time of day to actually see that I am struggling. I feel like it has been ages with this heavy weight on my chest. And it is a constant struggle to even do anything, I feel like I am suffocating and I can't find the source.  and many days it gets the best of me, and it feels like no one can see my struggle. Maybe it's the font I put up but no one sees that I am drowning.  And I've learned how to deal with this in silent for years but I know I need help. But no one sees my struggle, so within these four walls I'll hide who I truly am.

What ln these four walls.

Being here makes me feel safe, but at the same time I am able to be who I really am. I am always having to pretend who I am and hide all these emotions, I hide in fear of their rejection. Aybe if I hide in here forever I'll feel better about myself and I won't be hating myself constantly for the things I have done. And it may seem like I am upset over nothing but the truth of it all is that this was just, as my mother says, the drop that made the glass flood. I'm not mad about what I did but I am dossapointed in how much I can hate myself to the point where I hate the person I see in the mirror. And for what? I wish I knew I have no real reason to feel this way about myself. I guess I am just in constant battle with myself. One side of me wants to be gentle and to be coddled. While the other side of me is just a horrible human big showing no remorse and telling lies like if they were smiles to give. And I am constantly horrified that one day I will lose myself and I will turn into that horrible person and I will push away the people who matter the most to me. And after dealing with this for years I have finally admitted to myself that I need help, because I know I won't be able to fight this battle on my own. Then there is also the question as to who will give me the time of day to actually see that I am struggling. I feel like it has been ages with this heavy weight on my chest. And it is a constant struggle to even do anything, I feel like I am suffocating and I can't find the source.  and many days it gets the best of me, and it feels like no one can see my struggle. Maybe it's the font I put up but no one sees that I am drowning.  And I've learned how to deal with this in silent for years but I know I need help. But no one sees my struggle, so within these four walls I'll hide who I truly am.

Sorry.

If I had never asked you to leave where would I be now? Would it be loveless? Or would I have made the effort to slowly fall in love with you? Maybe we could have been ultimately happy. Or maybe I would have still been lying to you.  I'm sorry, I never intended for you to be hurt

I want to find someone who loves me. I want someone who will stay with me and grow old with me. Because if I don't I might just stay along forever. I actually rather stay alone. That way I won't hurt. And I won't suffer unnecessarily. 

I want a love that protects me. I'm done being alone. 

November 26, The day before Thanksgiving.

I'm falling, and its not love. I am slowly losing who i am, actually i don't know who i am, what i am suppose to do? And i cant do anything about it, because hell i don't even remember a time when i was truly happy. Sure i smile and laugh but those are easy things to do. People can be so gullible sometimes it almost makes me truly smile. Its painful to see them, my parents, because every time i do i just remember how bad of a human i am, And sure my brother may be struggling with addiction but i am drowning in unknown sorrows. I don't even remember how i got this way i just know that i cant get back and sadly its become comfortable for me. I mask my unknown pain by saying its pure heartbreak but in reality no one has broken my heart but myself. I claim that 'he' was so unfair but in reality I am the one who has me all fucked up. I mask my sorrows with smiles and giggles because if i am ever to remove this mask that i've worn for so long i might just break my mothers heart. And i don't mind being yelled at, i am past the point of feeling anything. Sometimes i feel as if i am the only one who can hurt myself. No don't get me wrong, i don't self harm, physically.
I sing in hopes of capturing the singers feeling and maybe, just maybe, i can make myself happy. but how can someone who has let you down so many times bring you joy? I guess its partially my fault because every time someone takes a glimpse behind my mask i simply say "I'm tired" or "I'm not feeling well today," of course my mom knows its complete bull but she doesn't know what is truly wrong with me. Sometimes i think if she were just a tad bit more observant she would know whats the matter with her daughter. but instead she just dubs me as lazy, a low life. i guess i'm blessed at least she hasn't completely discarded me.
Its gotten to the point where i'm not even hungry, i just want to be left alone to take this time and wallow in my sorrows. and i  have skillfully mastered the art of crying that i can do it with little to no noise. that way at night i wont disturb anyone at night.
tomorrow its time to act, to be 'happy' to laugh at the jokes and smile. Tomorrow is thanksgiving, but really, what am i thankful for? I'm already thankful for the house i live in and the clothes on my back do i also have to pretend to be grateful for the fake people all around me?

I had a dream about you, again. But this time it was a bit different. You knew how I was and you decided to play me. You fucking knew how I felt. But all I wanted was your lips on mine. And I remembered how your lips were never soft but iy our kisses were. I remembered all you kisses. From the shy ones to hungry and passionate ones. Fuck, I'm still so pathetic. Is it bad that miss you and even nightmares about you are the best? 

I've known you for 4 years. And next May it would have been four years. I still remember it all you know? Those first two years. I know that near the ending it was horrible and we both hated it, we both hated each other. 

Remember when I told you I will love you more than you will ever know? Ha, I remember when you told me you loved me. Well if I remember correctly you asked me out because you thought you loved me. Funny right? Hahahaha but I guess that's in the bast now. You have moved on and all I have is memories. Fuck, I don't even think I miss you. I just miss the memories. I miss not being alone. I miss being cared for. I miss the good morning texts. I miss falling asleep on someone. But most of all I miss being missed. I'm not sure how I got here but I don't like it. And if 3 years ago you would have told me I would end up like this I wouldn't have believed you. I thought we were gonna last, I was able to see the rest of my life with you. It seems so funny now, I was a young and naive girl. If I could I would keep myself from falling for you because that was my biggest mistake.