I'm falling, and its not love. I am slowly losing who i am, actually i don't know who i am, what i am suppose to do? And i cant do anything about it, because hell i don't even remember a time when i was truly happy. Sure i smile and laugh but those are easy things to do. People can be so gullible sometimes it almost makes me truly smile. Its painful to see them, my parents, because every time i do i just remember how bad of a human i am, And sure my brother may be struggling with addiction but i am drowning in unknown sorrows. I don't even remember how i got this way i just know that i cant get back and sadly its become comfortable for me. I mask my unknown pain by saying its pure heartbreak but in reality no one has broken my heart but myself. I claim that 'he' was so unfair but in reality I am the one who has me all fucked up. I mask my sorrows with smiles and giggles because if i am ever to remove this mask that i've worn for so long i might just break my mothers heart. And i don't mind being yelled at, i am past the point of feeling anything. Sometimes i feel as if i am the only one who can hurt myself. No don't get me wrong, i don't self harm, physically.
I sing in hopes of capturing the singers feeling and maybe, just maybe, i can make myself happy. but how can someone who has let you down so many times bring you joy? I guess its partially my fault because every time someone takes a glimpse behind my mask i simply say "I'm tired" or "I'm not feeling well today," of course my mom knows its complete bull but she doesn't know what is truly wrong with me. Sometimes i think if she were just a tad bit more observant she would know whats the matter with her daughter. but instead she just dubs me as lazy, a low life. i guess i'm blessed at least she hasn't completely discarded me.
Its gotten to the point where i'm not even hungry, i just want to be left alone to take this time and wallow in my sorrows. and i have skillfully mastered the art of crying that i can do it with little to no noise. that way at night i wont disturb anyone at night.
tomorrow its time to act, to be 'happy' to laugh at the jokes and smile. Tomorrow is thanksgiving, but really, what am i thankful for? I'm already thankful for the house i live in and the clothes on my back do i also have to pretend to be grateful for the fake people all around me?
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