What ln these four walls.

Being here makes me feel safe, but at the same time I am able to be who I really am. I am always having to pretend who I am and hide all these emotions, I hide in fear of their rejection. Aybe if I hide in here forever I'll feel better about myself and I won't be hating myself constantly for the things I have done. And it may seem like I am upset over nothing but the truth of it all is that this was just, as my mother says, the drop that made the glass flood. I'm not mad about what I did but I am dossapointed in how much I can hate myself to the point where I hate the person I see in the mirror. And for what? I wish I knew I have no real reason to feel this way about myself. I guess I am just in constant battle with myself. One side of me wants to be gentle and to be coddled. While the other side of me is just a horrible human big showing no remorse and telling lies like if they were smiles to give. And I am constantly horrified that one day I will lose myself and I will turn into that horrible person and I will push away the people who matter the most to me. And after dealing with this for years I have finally admitted to myself that I need help, because I know I won't be able to fight this battle on my own. Then there is also the question as to who will give me the time of day to actually see that I am struggling. I feel like it has been ages with this heavy weight on my chest. And it is a constant struggle to even do anything, I feel like I am suffocating and I can't find the source.  and many days it gets the best of me, and it feels like no one can see my struggle. Maybe it's the font I put up but no one sees that I am drowning.  And I've learned how to deal with this in silent for years but I know I need help. But no one sees my struggle, so within these four walls I'll hide who I truly am.